Can a Homeschool Mom find Friends?

Dear homeschool mom I met at the park last week,

I’m sorry I didn’t call you back when you sent me that text. I’m not trying to be rude.  When we exchanged phone numbers, I truly wanted to try and be your friend, but now I’m not so sure. You see, I have been burned by friendships with other homeschool moms. I’m just barely making it through and I don’t think I can take any more judgmental attitudes. I’m sure you’re a nice person but I do things very differently and you might not approve. I can sincerely say: it’s not you, it’s me.

Maybe someday your friend,

Another Homeschool Mom

What about socialization? This question nags most homeschoolers. It is concerning the children and I think what people are trying to ask is, “How will your child have friends?”  The issue that I think is more of a challenge is, “How can a homeschool mom have homeschool mom friends?”

Homeschool moms find themselves looking for comradery and support from other homeschoolers and end up being rejected and criticized for how they choose to homeschool. In the state I live in, we are free to teach our own children in whatever style or method we choose. We can pick any curricula or no curricula. Here in lies the challenge for finding comradery. Homeschool moms have invested a good deal of energy trying to find the methods and supplies that fit their lives and most of us think what we are doing is best for our family. Now try to interface that unique blend of methods and materials with another unique person’s opinions.

Bottom line: it’s a problem.

To unpack this issue, I would like to first address the question, “Why do you homeschool?”

This is such a crucial question in regards to friends. For example, if you homeschool, for spiritual reasons you might not find support from someone who cares about academic excellence. Some parents believe keeping their children from the worldly influences in public school is so important that they are ok with covering the basics and not worrying about the rest. The “three Rs” is what they cover and their focus is on character training. The day begins with prayer and the bible is the primary textbook.

Let me stop there and point out that some of you reading this article have already begun to judge. You think it’s wrong for a parent to sacrifice academic excellence for spiritual reasons. Am I right? If you don’t homeschool and you are a Christian, you might be thinking that a family should be able to do BOTH. Can’t you have the best of both worlds? In an ideal, unrealistic world: sure. In reality: probably not all the time.

We all have a limited amount of time, money, and energy. We all have to choose what is most important and let the rest fall off the table for the dog to eat. We also have to examine our worldview and decide if we believe that academic excellence produces better Christians or citizens. Is academic education the solution to societal ills?  

I am not trying to cast my lot with those who most value the spiritual reasons. I am for parents choosing how they should raise their own children. Many parents believe that academic excellence is most important. Their children have been college prep from 1^st grade.  The mom’s lesson planner is her bible. These parents believe that going to college is crucial in the society we live in. The parents are most-likely brilliant and were in “gifted” classes or they were perpetually bored in school as a child. These parents filled their extra time in high school teaching their friends how to work an equation or summarizing a novel for them.

Homeschooling for academic excellence is a good reason to home educate. Academic excellence is very important to me. I do want my children to go to college. I have opinions about Math-U-See, Notgrass, and Apologia. If you use them, you should not ask me- unless academic excellence is something you care strongly about. I just finished cutting up (literally) a pre-made (for convenience) lesson plan and making out my plan for the year. I AM THAT MOM.

Some of you who were enjoying my comments on limited energy are now beginning to bristle. The thought of maintaining a grade book or lesson planner makes you incredulous. If you’re going to homeschool, why bring “school” home? Some moms just feel defeated at the thought of a grade book or even a text book. You are just doing good to get through the spectrum math book you picked up at Walmart and the library books on your coffee table.

There are many, many, many other perfectly legitimate reasons to homeschool that I have not covered here. I know people who homeschool who are not even conservative Christians (a typical stereo-type.)

I am here to encourage you ALL.

Whatever reason you homeschool, you can find friends. Here are some tips:

1.      1. Step back and examine why you homeschool.

If you are not even sure what you value the most, then you may not even realize why a playdate with another mom left you feeling so defeated. Did she talk about her new organizational tools the whole time? Did she talk about the evil content in “Finding Nemo” and your ten-year old watched an R rated movie last night?

If you get side-swiped and you don’t know why, you need to sit down and make a top-ten list of what your homeschool goals are in order of importance. Then cut the bottom-half of the list off. Make a family mission statement (verbal or written.) This mission statement may change as your family grows and you mature but for this year, this month, this week your goals can be clearly defined in your mind

2.       Learn to be OK with someone homeschooling for other reasons

Just because you are friends with someone who has different goals, doesn’t mean you have to change your goals. I do not believe there is one perfect way to homeschool. I do not believe there is a perfect way to parent. Those of us who are extroverted probably struggle with this most. I begin to listen you another mom talk about her goals or methods and I begin to question my own.

Now I ask myself if the mom has similar goals to mine. If they are, I will examine if her methods might benefit me or my children. As your families grow, your goals might change and you may grow apart from some families who you once found fellowship with. Learn to be OK with growing apart. If a relationship becomes damaging to your goals, ask God for help in deciding to end the relationship. Most of the time, you can still maintain a casual relationship.

I can still love a person who isn’t exactly like me, but I won’t look for encouragement in the areas in which we don’t agree.

3.        Seek out other like-minded homeschoolers

If you have examined your goals and settled on a few points, it can be most discouraging to feel like you are alone in the world. You need someone who is like-minded to just walk through life with. Be courageous and seek someone out. Go to a ladies bible study or visit another church. Join a homeschool CoOp for a season or sign up on a virtual bulletin board.

These moms may have children who are much younger or older than yours. Your world REVOLVES around your children most of the time. It is OK for you to have a friend that is just a friend for you. Most of your children will make friends in the plethora of age-segregate activities they participate in sports or church but YOU need friends too.  

Leave the kids at home one evening and have coffee or tea. You can also take a day to have a playdate. When you meet another homeschooler, give the person a try but don’t put all your hope in this basket. This friend might be like-minded but after some time you might find out that you disagree on some point. Then refer to point number two.

4.       Be content with one or two like-minded friends

This is a hard point for me. I want this large group of friends to run with and I want them all to like me, but truly God did not plan for it to be this way for me. Our family is in a strange position. The only way I know to explain it is to compare ourselves to our friends (which is unwise.) We are more liberal than some of our friends in some of our media and fashion choices and more conservative than other friends in the events and activities we choose to participate in. We care more about academics then some friends and less than others.

When it comes to friends we have found it more valuable to have friends who are Christian conservatives. This choice was made based on our most important goals. In our community, there are not many conservative Christians with these same goals and so we don’t have many like-minded friends. We have a good deal of acquaintances who we love but these are not the friends I seek out intimate friendship with.  I have come to the place where I am happy with just a few close friends and that we get to share our struggles and victories from time to time.

5.       . Don’t compare yourself and don’t compete with others

When your friend shares a homeschooling experience with you, she may not be relating this so you can implement her strategies. She may just want to talk about it. If she had a revelation about something, you do not have to adopt her opinion. If she is good at one thing, don’t let that make you feel bad. You are good at lots of things.

Don’t be that person who thinks everyone does it better than you and don’t be the person who thinks you do it better than everyone else. I believe THIS is the primary homeschooler sin.

If your friend does something better then you and you have the same goals as this person, let her success encourage you. Maybe you can improve in that area but don’t let your friendship become a one-up game. You can destroy your friendship and your sweet children’s egos by playing this way.

Like-wise don’t look down on the person who does things worse or differently then you. This comes out in the things you say to the person AND behind their back. No matter how much you think your kids don’t hear you- THEY DO.  Don’t gossip , if not for the sake of your friendship, for the sake of your kids.

6.       . Love and be compassionate

This thing we are doing is HARD. We are swimming upstream. Don’t look at those who are swimming next to you and criticize the WAY they are swimming.

Love is the only way to have friends. Forgive people when they hurt you. Ask for forgiveness when you are wrong. When a friendship cracks, examine your part in the break. Most of us didn’t have positive friendship experiences when we were in school. Have compassion on the wounded person who is trying to take their kids through the world a little less wounded.  

36 Weeks (of homeschooling)

Four hundred sixty eight weeks: that's how many weeks I have homeschooled. That's 2,340 days, but really it's been much much longer than that. Because when you're a homeschooler, you never stop teaching. You never stop being a teacher…. a homeschooler

For example: I always tell my kids to never start a sentence with "because." I can't even stop thinking like a teacher. There are so many hang-ups that I have. To be a grammar Nazi is one thing but there are other things I believe are unique to homeschoolers that are real problems.

There are also some things that are common among homeschoolers that are wonderfully exceptional. We are an amazing, diverse group of people who have chosen to teach our own children.  We have responded to the challenge and we are doing a good job.

I have had my “ups” and I have had many “downs.” I write about a good deal of topics, but I have never really written about homeschooling. I never really see blogs by homeschoolers who write about homeschooling. So this year, I made a decision. I am going to blog about homeschooling for 36 weeks. For one school year, I will write a weekly blog (or two) on the topic.

If you are a homeschooler, I hope to encourage you. If you are not, you may enjoy a peek into another way to parent. If you have questions for me or topics you would like me to address, email me.  I have homeschooled for 13 years. I have used a lot of curricula. I have done  a good deal of things well and a bunch of things badly.

I’m not trying to impart the best wisdom for homeschoolers. I’m just trying to work through things on paper for others to feel they are not alone in their struggles or their victories. Most of us don’t have someone patting us on the back. We don’t get a good (or bad) employee review. We certainly don’t get a paycheck!

I am promising to write something for every school week, so that I will do it. I always do better with deadlines and you can hold me to it. Send me an email if I slack off.

For now, here is week 36 blog: my gift to myself for completing the first week of school. Maybe something I write this year will be a gift to you. Maybe something will touch someone or help someone out. This thing we do is hard and we should spur one another on toward this good deed.

Blessings to you on your own 36 week journey, whether you homeschool or not.

Eight Things I Want My Daughter to Know About Dreams

Dear Daughter,

I say many things to the boys regarding life and love but you, you have been so level headed and smart throughout the years, I have not said much. I have said "wait" and you did. I have said to be modest and you are.

The truth is that I have such a full heart and head, that it is difficult to find the words. When you love a child so much and you want better things and greater things for them, there is a phenomenon in which love and fear become entwined and a person can choose to shut their mouth, rather than risk saying the wrong things.

Here is me, opening my mouth, because life is too fragile to pass up a chance to say something.

We have always praised you for being sensible. You save your money, finish your school work, and your chores. You go to church and you are charitable. You love with actions and everyone likes you. You remind me of me, once upon a time, and I am proud of you.

Because you remind me of me, I wonder what is in your head. Do you do what you do to take the path of least resistance? When you were little, you brought everything you dreamed and hoped for to me. Then I got busy with three and more demanding, time consuming boys and you took your place as Mommy Number Two. It was never my intention for you to do my job. But then, I reasoned, you do seem to love your brothers. You read to them. You nurtured. You are good at it.

Now I wonder if you're too serious, too sensible. You have dreams, I know it. Do you clip your dreams' wings for fear of the impossible? You brother's head is always in the clouds and we have tried to bring him down to earth and make him realize what he needs to make his dreams come true is hard work. You are hard working, but do you dream?

You love art, don't you? When you were little we did clay together. We sewed together. My dreams would be designs in my head and I would make a little dress. You were such a good partner. I miss making art with you.

Art does not HAVE to be your dream. Nothing is set in stone. Art was not my dream when I was little. I had dreams of greater things and no one ever told me my dreams could be possible. No one told me I could be a doctor or a minister. I guess my dream's wings were broken. Of course I'm not sure I knew myself then. I was a creative person all along. I changed my dreams for more attainable things.

It's easy to be a wife and own a house and a dog. Then you realize that your dream needs to be bigger then that. A house and a marriage become something that need fixing. Your dog dies and your life is one endless sink full of dishes and at some point you just want to survive. This you have heard and this is why I have told you to wait. But what are you doing while you are waiting?

I want you to live so you can find out if your dreams are really what you want in life. I have lived a LOT in my 37 years and I do feel like I'm old enough to tell you a few things about dreams.

#1 Your dreams are really yours when you get to know yourself

I did not know myself when I told everyone I wanted to be a doctor. This career is something that requires attention to detail and the ability to retain a great deal of information. I do not retain information very well.

Just understanding your personality type is not enough.

#2 Your dreams are really yours when you have lived a little

When I told everyone I wanted to be a doctor, I did not know anything about the field of medicine. I imagined setting my own hours and working in charity clinics to do good for people. It was my compassion for mankind that influenced this dream. This compassion can be served out in other ways. I feel like the years I was in school, the only thing I was given the opportunity to be good at was, well school. In reality I wasn't very good at school.

When you live a little, you find out there are other things to be good at. I found out that being able to talk to people or balance a checkbook or manage a couple of teenagers is something some people are really good at and some people are not. When I was young, I did not know what I was good at. Once I got a couple of jobs and volunteered in different settings, I found things I was good at and things I was not. I also found out that I was good at doing some things that I did not like doing.

#3 Your man is not your dream, he is your partner

It is good and right to want to marry and serve your husband but every woman (even stay-at-home women) have things that they want to put themselves in to. Every happy, fulfilled woman has things that she puts herself into. Some women volunteer at a food pantry, at their church, or on a sport's team. Some women advocate for abused children or simply throw themselves into decorating their home. Some women put on lavish gatherings week after week. Some women sculpt and sew in a corner of their home.

Your husband will be the center of your attention for a few hours of the day but he will not be, cannot be your only dream.

#4 Your dream should line up with God's plan for you

God has simple outlines for life in his Word. You dream should line up with God's word or it is not from God. If it does not line up with God's Word, keep an open ear and an open heart. Good things will come if you let God change your heart.

#5 Your dream is probably bigger then what you think you can attain

Don't let the harshness of life crush your dreams. God has a way of pulling in the color to life. If you allow him to guide your journey, you will be amazed at what can happen. God may change your dreams and give you new ones but never allow a dream to die an untimely death. Let God put old dreams to rest and know new ones will come.

#6 You can raise healthy and relatively happy children and see your dreams come true

Don't buy into a warped world-view. Children do not kill dreams. They might delay your dreams for awhile. If God gives you children, he will still bless you with many good things and align your dreams and desires with what is good for your whole family.

#7 College is only ONE way to make dreams come true

There are some dreams that require knowledge and training. College is only ONE way to obtain a new skill set. You can learn and be educated in so many venues these days. Still, if you feel college is essential to reaching your goals, don't let obstacles keep you from attending. I will help you find a way in.

I don't ever want you to feel like you have to go because I want you to or because people say it's the NEXT thing to do. I wish someone had helped me get in the door but I don't want to PUSH you in the door because that is what I wanted.

#8 I always want to hear your dreams

Just because I'm busy doesn't mean I don't want to talk to you. Ive kept you close... on my hip for a long time. I miss you. When you get the time, talk to me... I want to hear what you are finding out about yourself. What are your plans? Continue to be level headed and sensible but dream a little too.

Love , Mom

An Open Letter to My Friends and Family

Dear Friend, Child, Family Member,

I want to tell you I’m sorry for what I said: all of it, all of the times. I don’t say the right things. I blurt things out before I think about it. Mostly, I tend to hurt people’s feelings. I tend to get my feelings hurt easily, so you would think that I would have a pretty good idea of what might hurt. 

You would think that, wouldn’t you?

I think that part of a person that knows what to say and when to say it is broken in me. I can think of times I have said the wrong  things, years ago, and I still have this sinking feeling in my stomach. There are people who are gone from my life and people gone from this earth and I can never make it right with them.

How can I make it right with you? The only thing I know to do is apologize.

The only problem is that I know I will end up doing it again. I will say the wrong things or fail to say something I should. Then I will end up making a fool of myself- AGAIN. I don’t mind being fool, but if I hurt someone by my foolishness- I mind.

This endless cycle of foolishness is why, many times, I stay away from people.  It is also why I have an abundance of former friends. I don’t know how to make things right when they go wrong. 

And things go wrong, don’t they?

It’s also why I refuse to make new friends. I feel bad rejecting people I have just met but I am trying to protect them from me. I’m doing it for their own good.

So I am left with those friends and family who I most deeply want to keep. I try to engage… re-engage. I try not to avoid you. It is my goal to be a good friend, despite my flaws.  I want to crawl in a hole and yet I want to be in the light.

When I shut the door and don’t answer the phone, don’t take it personally. I WANT to talk to you. I want to love you. I’m just not very good at it. It takes a lot of nerve. It takes a good bit of bravery, for me to be your friend. What with my awkwardness and all.

Sometimes people say things that hurt me and I don’t know how to tell them. I don’t know IF I should tell them. So I understand if you don’t want to discuss it. I’m trying to take this chance to be open with you.

You don’t have to respond to this. You don’t have to continue to be my friend. All I hope for is amiable cordiality among the people I see. I don’t presume this is as big a deal to you as it is to me.

Just understand that when you see me engaged in life, with people, that it takes a good deal of courage for me to be there. I’m not asking you to pity me.  I’m just asking you to realize that it goes against all inside me that screams for me to withdraw from society at large.

Above all else, please forgive my fumbling ways. Forgive the things that I say. 

Rag-Tag Bunch of Fearful Cynics

Aren’t we a rag-tag band of fellows? All we want is to seek holiness and yet fear and cynicism keeps creeping in at the edges. 

Fear trips us all up

One fears the curse of mental illness has finally gripped her mind.

One fears her husband loves his bank account more than her.

Another runs away fast against alcoholism.

We all fear that fate would deal our children the blow of the things we fear most.

We all respond to fear in different ways.

Some seek the answers in books

Some try to find health and wealth at the gym

Others remove foods, add foods, vitamins… anything that will soothe the gnawing ache in our soul

We all want to just take a pill to fix it (from time to time.)

One rages against “the system” … were we to find and promote the right leaders, would we be saved?

I curl up tight in bed…(a caterpillar trying the best defensive position.)

The world rages

The church is polluted

Believers crumble

People compromise

We ignore our children

People die…

We groan

We wail

I wail

I do beat my fist against the sky

Why?

Hope is crushed

Hope, so crucial

We shy away from hands that would help..

hands that would comfort

They have tried to stone us before

We recoil, lest we be judged

God judges me

I cannot stand for you to judge me too

His eyes, they burn into me

Burn into my soul

I have reached for hands that would help me out of this pit

The world, it sticks to me

I press into God and yet the stench of the world remains

Those hands, the ones who also seek holiness

They only throw dirt upon my despair

And yet, I fight on… press on

God is my portion, my deliverer

I want to finish well

I want to finish strong

Even if I am carried at the end

Are we not all carried at the end?

I want to leave a legacy of surrender 

God I surrender to you and you alone

To Flee the Center

I wish I could be brave enough to put my feeling and fears and tears on paper as much as this one that inspires me does. Every week, several times a week she sits at the screen and mashes out a few paragraphs to let us know we are not alone in our grief. Some of us can’t help but grieve. The creator saw fit to fashion this fragile vessel in such a way that the slightest upset makes me crack. No matter how much I don’t want fractures to appear in my soul… they do.

This is why I disagree with the “happiness is a choice” saying. I think there are choices in what we choose to do with our sorrow, but feeling sad is not something that people choose. I think we can choose to wallow in it and we can choose to place it in the nail scarred hands. That choice is a daily, even hourly decision at times.

Over the last few weeks I have been taking a pottery class. Those of you who consider me a skilled sculptor might be surprised at how difficult it was for me to learn wheel throwing.

I couldn’t help but be reminded of the Maker whilst watching the skilled potter at work. What she did seemed so easy and yet when I copied her motions my pot did not respond to my touch they way hers did. What a glorious and mysterious task our Creator has! He takes this shapeless lump of clay and works it into a masterpiece.

Do you think of yourself as a masterpiece? Even though I know the truth, the word kind of grates at me… “I’m nothing special… definitely not a masterpiece…” I think.

 Isaiah 45:9 says "Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, "What are you making?' Does your work say, "He has no hands'?

What will result if I continue to quarrel with my maker?

We spent the first three lessons simply learning how to get our clay centered on the wheel. If it is not perfectly center. Centrifugal force will pull on one side more and the piece will “flop.” I have seen it fly off the wheel. I’ve seen the piece collapse.

Centrifugal force is from Latin centrum, meaning "center", and fugere, meaning "to flee." Is the apparent outward force that draws a rotating body away from the center of rotation.

It is a delicate balance to try and form the pot into what you want, while all the time keeping it centered on the wheel. The teachers kept saying, “Slow down… slow down… This takes time.”

I want my Maker to hurry up or at least tell me what he is making. “A masterpiece,” he whispers in his Word.

“No, Lord, tell me WHAT I will be…”

“Something amazing and perfectly skilled in what I have created you to do…”

“I don’t believe you… show me proof,” I quarrel.

“You just have to wait and see…” comes the gentle reply.

“But this is painful.” Centrifugal force threatens to pull me to pieces or at least make me permanently lopsided. I want to flee the center… my Lord.

So my task is to lean into the potter’s hand and let him center me. I cannot center myself… I cannot succumb to the forces that pull on me.

Lord, forgive me for my quarrel. Mold me… shape me… make me yours…  

A Tone that Resonates

I have been reading poetry and poetic writers for years. A tone that resonates in my soul. The Psalmist sings to me thousands of years later. Many times the hum that draws me dissipates and eventually disappears.

I panic.

Have I lost my way?

The creator whispers … silence… be still.

And then I hear it: the music within.

I answer it. I let it flow through me from my heart to my finger tips.

This has happened to me too often to count. I panic in the silence after my tutors have played for me. The silence may last only a moment. The silence may last an entire year. Usually it lasts longer if I fail to lean into it.

I cry aloud. I go to sleep. I search for answers in many places. I numb myself with noise: audible and visual noise. Why do I need white noise in my life?

When the silence is where the discovery begins and the beauty reveals.

Today I make a vow to not panic in the silence, but make a choice to remember that is where the melody is found.